My Ralphy Girl

To My Maddie girl.

Well, would you lookie here...I blinked.  I blinked and now you are a young adult, ready to make your mark on this world.  Let me tell you this, sister, I couldn't be any prouder of you than I am.

You are my first, we did a lot of growing up together. You weren't ever in my plans but I thank God he decided to give me you.  There is SO much I love and admire about you.

I love the way you carry yourself, you stand tall, shoulders back, you walk with purpose and carry a confident air that I admire.

  I am jealous of your outgoing nature.  Yes, I am outgoing too but Maddie my girl, you can speak in front of people, you can stand on a stage and perform like its second nature. You are G L A M O R OUS! ..that to me is amazing.

 I see you be part of a team...you are all in.  I see you support your girls in any way you can. This speaks volumes of your character.

You are fun. All the girls that were not a close friend of yours have no clue on what they are missing out on...YOU ARE SO FUN.  You stay positive, you are silly, upbeat and are not scared to make a fool of yourself.  You have always been one of my very best friends. That was one of the hardest parts of raising you was deciding when I could be your friend and when I had to be your mother.

I am envious of your compassion.  When we were at the Senior banquet at the baptist church and the lady walked up...laid her hand on your shoulder and said to me, I don't think Maddie has ever told you how we met...and you bowed your head as if you did something wrong.  My intimidate thought was oh damn...what did she do this time?  That lady then told me as she choked up about how while in okc she was attending a ffa conference and got news a dear friend had passed.  She said she could not contain herself and went to the bathroom and lost her tears...she said a tall beautiful girl came up behind her, asked her if she was ok and then wrapped her arms around her and hugged her till the tears stopped. As a mother, hearing this, I cried...(no, not in front of you)  I was so proud to hear you act on your heart and share yourself with a person hurting. I am convinced your compassion will change the world.

Today as we were driving back from the city I enjoyed you.  You made faces at the people we passed by, laughing hysterically as they did double takes at your crazy faces.  I love that side of you..the side that is not scared to be a fool, to cut loose.  In your future I don't want you to ever lose this.

We sang, we sang loud, out of key, you made up your own lyrics and giggled when you realized they were wrong.  Those times are my utmost favorite...the times that you sing with me...you sing the songs of my youth...I am riding along side my best friend not having a care in the world.

This is what I will miss with you being gone.  I will miss you and your constant blonde moments.  I will worry that life will take that carelessness away.  I am ready for you to spread your wings but I am not ready for life to make you jaded.  I wish for you to be bold, I wish for you to be outgoing, I wish for you to never lose your compassion for your fellow man, I wish for you to keep a hold of that joy that permeates from your pores and I wish for you to always stay my best friend. Make some mistakes... (but never be afraid to call me for help). That is what makes life interesting.  Please know that no matter what, you are my Ralphy girl and I will always be proud of you, I will always love you and if you ever need me I will be here.

Remembering Ryan

  I read a  status on Facebook the other day, written by a lady that is pretty stoic, a leader, up front and tougher than boot leather in my eyes. It said " Just realized that I missed the 4 year anniversary of my sister's passing (it was Monday). Weird. Life is so busy with work, kids, home that I find myself going really long periods without ever thinking of her. I don't even think of her much when I look at ****. I hope this doesn't mean that I'm insensitive, just that life has continued without her in it. And....should there be guilt for that? Hmmmmmm....." . ....Her sister died from suicide 4 years ago in February.  With that she was blessed with raising her sister son (and he is a great kid).  It was 4 years ago after my brother had died (only around a month after she lost her sister) that I received a card from her, it was one of those strange moments that happen I believe because God just knows you need them. I didn't know her really well, but she thought enough of me to send me a card letting me know that she couldn't promise me anything aside from it will get better. I remember sitting in my truck reading that card and releasing emotion and BREATHING. That lady was right, it did get better.  In this present day, when I read her status, I felt relief that i was not alone. 

Do I think of my brother everyday? No. Does that mean I don't love him with the same fierceness as I did? No. Should one feel guilty or insensitive for letting go of the grief, missing, trauma of losing a loved one? I don't think so.  I do miss my brother, I do still think of him a lot. I think of how I am living years he never got to live...how he was the older one, he was supposed to experience 33 before me. How time has just lapped him. I think of how my 9 year old son is already wearing the same size jeans as he did. I think of him everytime I see socks with sandals. The other day I ran into Mark Fletcher at Walmart....and thought of my brother. I think of him EVERY TIME I see some young kid being a turd to someone else on the internet. I have a overwhelming urge to step in and stop the verbal bullying....I cant get past the thought that the kid being attacked could possibly be on their last straw....and what if I did nothing to help. 

The other day, my oldest, Maddie was in the kitchen doing her chores. She had a CD in the player and was jamming out to Lil Wayne...she came in and asked me a question that was rap related and I just shook my head....my brother should be here for this. HE was the hip hop/rap guy. He would have so enjoyed spending time with Maddie listening to the stuff she is enjoying and answering all her questions....I missed him then.  

As my friend has said, Life has just continued without him in it.  As much as we don't want life to do so...we have to know that its Gods plan. I know he wouldn't want me wrapped up in the trauma and keeping myself beat down with despare, so I continue. I am positive if he had a do-over he would bounce back on this earth and say what in the hell was I thinking??!! And I would promptly smack him upside his head and answer HELL IF I KNOW!

I haven't quiet figured out what my role in this earth is....what I am supposed to do with the things I have been exposed through. I have a hard time believing that God just put me through that for shits and giggles...there HAS to be some reason. In the mean time, I read, I educate myself on suicide awareness, I talk to my children about being kind and standing up for people that need a advocate and they have done very well thus far in my opinion, I am so proud of them. I am open with them about suicide, I don't spill out the gruesome details but I feel it important that they know and are not ashamed of how their uncle died. They know he was really depressed and was hurting in his heart. I am sure they still don't understand but one  day they will.

I live in a VERY small town and in this town suicide has reared its ugly head more times than I care to mention...hurting some VERY awesome people that I love dearly. I hate it. I hate feeling helpless to their pain. The only way to stop that kind of pain is to put a stop to suicide. How do we do that you ask??  Well, good question....I think a good start is to lift anyone up with a positive thought and a smile if you think they need one....heck, even if you don't think they need one, what can it hurt.  Educate yourselves on depression, suicidal behavior, bullying. Educate yourselves on state funded facilities, how under staffed and over crowded they are, filled with people desperate for help. Lots turned away and left with no hope.  Remember, listening is one of the most important things you can do. Everyone has ears...we just have to work on patience to use them.  Help stop suicide. 

Being thrifty with liquid laundry soap!

Recently my friend (Laycee) started making our own laundry soap...discouraged by the super high prices we stumbled upon a "recipe" for homemade laundry soap that amounts to pennies per load (which is ALWAYS good)! It makes my laundry smell VERY good...I am beyond impressed, so I thought since there was a interest on Facebook I would go ahead and share!

I will post the liquid version first....

Ingredents:

2 gallons water

1 cup borax

1 cup washing powder

1 bar of soap (your choice)

This recipe makes a little over 2 gallons of soap (or more depending on how much you dilute it)....so you can either save your old laundry soap jugs or use old milk jugs. 

First you want to take your bar of soap and grate it into a LARGE pot (big enough to hold a little over 2 gallons of liquid). You can use a zester, cheese grater or food processer...whichever is easier. (and if your smart you can outsource this job to the kids or the hubby ;p)

After the whole bar of soap is grated up in your pot set it on the stove. You are going to want to add 1 gallon of water to the grated soap and turn on the burner. 

Keep heating and stirring the water until all the soap is dissolved. 

STIR STIR STIR STIR STIR..........(this task can be 
outsourced as well ;p)












When all that is good and dissolved you need to add 1 cup of the washing powder and 1 cup of the borax. 

Just keep on stirring until it comes to a boil. (be careful here, it can and will boil out of the pot if you don't watch it....I wouldn't know from experience or anything tho.....)

Yes he kept it out of my green beans :)

           Its going to have a foamy/frothy/bubbly layer on top

Once you are confident that all your borax and washing powder is dissolved then you want to add 1 gallon of cold water to the mix.

At this time your soap basically done. You can let it sit for a bit to cool before you pour it or if you have a fantastic husband like I do you can make him pour it into bottles for you. 

Now, heres the catch. This soap WILL thicken upon standing. It actually thickens up A LOT. I have fiddled with this a bit and decided that if I add a extra 1/2 gallon water it helps a lot. The only down side is you HAVE to remember to give your jug a shake before each load you do....I don't mind giving it a shake since I am saving money! 


I have a he washer and it works great in it. It doesn't have a high suds factor so its ace. 


I had a friend (Jessi) that asked me about using it with sensitive skin. In her case her children and sensitive souls. I think that this alternative would be right up her alley. Its just got the basic ingredients in it and you could choose a dye/scent free soap or whatever the sensitive ones can handle. (same goes with babies)


Another variation my mom in law did was use soap with citronella in it....in hopes that it would help aid in repelling the mosquitoes on summer nights.  


I have also piddled around with putting a bit of fabric softner and/or those yummy smell good grain things...scent booster or whatever its called. All which worked ok. The only thing I noticed is it made the soap foam up a little more. 


So I encourage you to give it a try! Let me know what you think and how yours turned out!

Look out world...shes growing up!!

To my beautiful amazing daughter Maddie, on her 13th birthday. 


Oh my dear...It seems like just yesterday that I was looking upon your perfect little round head, bright red lips, all wrapped up in a pink blanket. We were both heading out of the delivery room to introduce you to the world. You had so many people waiting for you, your Poppie and Mammie, Aunt Jessie (and little Matthew), Nana Karen and Poppa Danny, Uncle Bobby, Aunt Crystal, Matthew, Jacob, Chandra and Braden, Aunt Kellie and of course your dad Ryan.  I didn't realize that I could love something so purely as I did the night you came out to meet me. Its a moment I can not put into words my dear.


I sit here today thinking back to those times, when you were younger. It makes me sad honestly, because my baby is growing up on me. Today is a milestone. Its officially the day you become a teenager. Its also going to be a VERY difficult time in your life. You are going to be caught in between "still a kid" and "not a kid".  I am sorry for this ahead of time. Its a tough transition and I have faith we will make it as long as we work together and communicate.

I want you to remember a few things as you are starting your journey to being a young adult. Remember I WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. We will fight and argue but I will still love you with the same passion as the day you were born. You will hate me, and I will do my best to act like it doesn't bother me and I will continue to love you. You will screw up A LOT. I promise you Maddie, I will try to be as open minded as I wanted my parents to be. Know that we can talk about your screw ups and both learn from them. 

I want you to remember to be honest. In all the values taht you will learn from this life, being honest will serve you well all the time. Being honest is the foundation of character....its what your made of.  It doesnt have to be anything big. It may mean being honest about what you feel, about what you did or about what you did NOT do. Most the time being honest to admit ones mistake is half the jobe done to correct that mistake.

I want you to remember you are a role model. You are my first born. You get to learn right along with me. You have the job of being a big sister. You have 4 younger brothers and sisters that think the world of you. They look up to you (yes..even Trent) the way you look up to Braden ...they love you so much. Its your job as first born to make smart choices, choices that you would want them to make. Be a big sister by loving them and protecting them. Earn their respect by using your intelligence and sense of fairness. 

I want you to remember to always respect yourself. Know that you are beautiful inside and out. Never ever taint your self respect by not living up to your values. Respect is one of the best things you can give yourself and you should because you ARE worth it. 

I want you to remember to have confidence. Be that girl that SHINES in her OWN light. Be confident that you are a BEAUTIFUL person and you DO NOT need the approval or attention of others to make you feel beautiful or wanted. Stand on your own feet. There should be no room in your body for insecurities. 

I also want you to remember the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It doesn't matter what others do or say, you cant control their actions but you CAN control yours. Everything will almost always fall into place if you remember to treat people as you would want to be treated. 

I want you to remember to make good choices. Before you make a choice to do something (no matter how big or small), I want you to think it through. Ask yourself "would_______be proud of me if I did this?" Insert in that blank anyone that you hold to a higher standard or that you dont want to fail. It could be me, your mammie, your poppie, your poppa David, Uncle Ry..Aunt Sue...its your choice. Because if it wouldnt make the one person you look up to proud then its more than likely a bad choice. Bad choices are sometimes really hard to get away from once made Maddie, so do your best to just make good ones. 

Lastly I want you to remember that family is family. Friends will usually come and go but your family is here to stay.  As you work to find yourself and grow up, remember you are loved.  Your family loves you in an insane, deep, almost annoying, mountain-moving way.  We will protect you, guide you, and defend you until the end of time.

Miss Maddie, Happy Birthday baby. You are  Know that I am always on your side. You may not always see that from your perspective, but I am. I want nothing but the best for you and I love you like crazy. 

                           Love, Mom

Tangled up in him....

Ten years ago I was a nervous wreck. I never was the kind of little girl that grew up dreaming of a wedding. I was to independent for all of that nonsense. So to say that I was a bride ten years ago is to say I was breaking all of my rules. 


Chris Barton "proposed" (and I use this term lightly) among all our friends at a youthful "event" at Jr porters house. The reason I am slackingly using the word "proposed" is because he really didn't preform the question/answer thing with me....what he did was stand on the coffee table and announce that me and him were getting married in September because that is when the aspens are golden in Colorado. Everyone hollered in approval and delight. I just sat there quiet because I was shocked and also smiling because I was pretty smitten by him. A few weeks later he proved he was not just under the influence of beverage. He surprised me with a ring. He walked into the bedroom shaking like a leaf, sweat beading across is brow. He made me sit down on the bed and he got on his knee and asked the life altering question a little more traditional like. I did at this time say yes. I couldn't think of any reason to say no. He was a hard worker, awesome provider and he loved my daughter as if she were his own.  When I looked at him I could just see us being old together. 


It was a short planning period for the wedding. I put it off ALOT, well, because of the aforementioned "not the marring kind" state of mind I have always had. Our wedding was simple and perfect. Chris borrowed chairs from Reydon senior citizens building, the sound system was provided by Connie Sasser, Stephanie (Owen) Eslin made the beautiful cake,  Andy Taylor aided us in saying our vows, Mr. Brandon Hindman was his best man and Lacy (Baker) Crompton was my maid of honor. All the decorations came from hobby lobby or elsewhere.  Our setting was my childhood home, my parents house. 


My favorite story of that day is how my nerves were getting the best of me and I was fighting off the urge to be a "runaway" bride. Lacy took me by Johnny Macs before we headed out to my parents and bought me a six pack of beer. Yes I know I know how redneck this sounds. When we got to my parents, I drew a hot bath, drank my beer and calmed myself. Chris on the other hand was outside setting up chairs, hanging lights, arranging flowers and making sure everything was how he wanted.....or in retrospect, maybe trying to make everything was perfect for me. 


It was perfect....not because of the flowers or the setting...but because I was marrying the person that was simply meant for me.  

These past ten years have not been flawless....not by a long shot. It has been so much work on both of our parts to acquire the foundations of a lasting relationship. We have fought, screamed, hollered, made total fools of ourselves, but we have also learned. We have talked our way through alot of fights, involved friends and family, went to marriage counseling twice but in the end I am confident WE learned how to make it work. 


Chris Barton is a wonderful man, father, son and friend. He works so hard for his family and gives selflessly of his time. He learned how to work and how to treat a woman from his daddy. He allows me to walk beside him, he honors my opinions, cares when I am disappointed, respects me, and loves our children endlessly. He makes me proud of the way he presents himself, he is always polite and diplomatic no matter what the situation. He thinks about his family before he even gives himself any thought.  I am very fortunate to have that man in my life.


So Hey Mr. Barton!! Happy Anniversary!! I love you plain and simple.  You are one of the best things that have ever happened to me...we are nowhere near perfect but we both have a lot of cultivating left to do. At this moment I am laying here listening to you snore and I am thinking of the first time I ever laid eyes on you at Rick and Susan's house after you tried to catch me in your old red Ford (my little grand am was to fast for ya).... Audrey said "good luck, you aint never gonna catch her!" but I guess in the long run you did. 

Goodbyes are hard

Today, today, today.....well...today I got the honor of helping escort my favorite father in law out of those dark waters. Out of pain. I sat with his bride Verla as she lovingly stroked his head and held his hand with worry and concern in her eyes. She was very brave.


Today I said goodbye to that man that has been the head of our family circle for as long as I have been lucky enough to be included. David Lynn Barton. A man to look up to. A hard worker. A father. A friend. A grandpa. A grumpus ;p. A mentor. Today his hard working hands were finally allowed to rest.

David....thank you for all you have taught us. Thank you for all you have done. Please please ease the gaping hole left in your brides chest.  You guys love was something ment for storybooks. We all love you and will miss you totally. 

With a laugh like thunder clap.

My father in law has cancer...

I HATE cancer.....

Instead of talking about the "C"...let me introduce you to him. 

Meet David Lynn Barton.

I guess I will start by telling you about the first time I ever met my father in law....Chris and I had met and were hanging out more and more. We were not yet "boyfriend/girlfriend" yet but were getting pretty close. Chris decided one night to bring me to his parents home so I could meet them. It was in the evening time when we walked into David Bartons home in Reydon Oklahoma, he was sitting at his usual place at the kitchen table, Verla (my mother in law) was running around getting ready to head to work at the Cheyenne Care Center. We exchanged greetings and some small talk with David and Verla and the meeting seemed to be going rather well....then David decides to send Chris to the store to get him a pack of smokes (Winston I believe)....and he instructs me to stay. I of course do as I am told.

David and I are sitting at the table together, Verla is in her back bathroom fixing her makeup. Chris walks out the door. David reaches down to the table and grabs his cigarette pack (and its FULL might I add). Opens it up. Pulls one out and lights it. Then proceeds to pepper me with questions ranging from my family life to have I ever tried drugs. I of course answered each and every one honestly, which he applauded me for. Then in his booming voice he says "Janet Proctor, whats your intentions with my boy?"........I had NO CLUE how to answer that. THANKFULLY, Verla walks in while twisting her hair up in a bun and says "David, that's not just up to her....it depends on your son too!" I never wanted to hug that womans neck so hard before. 

David Barton is a man that is what every mother wishes their son to be, he is honest, straight foward, smart, loving, funny, a great provider, level headed and a great person to talk to. If you dont know where you stand with David then you must be crawling. He has produced and raised some of the best people in the world. Chris, Sarah, Michael, and Zackary.  These kids just HAVE to be his crowning glory of his life. They each are just as level headed and responsible as he raised them to be. Each different in their own way but all dramatically the same.

I was lucky enough to nab the oldest of his brood, Chris. We ended up marrying in September of 2001.  However that day would not have come if not for David. I owe my happy life that I live everyday to my father in law and his wisdom. Before Chris and I were married we had a MAJOR fight. We were broke up and both broken hearted but both way to stubborn to give in. I had spent the entire weekend in bed sobbing my eyes out. My father in law came over to my house, sat on my bed and told me to get my ass up and come talk to him. I did as instructed...curled up on the couch like a crumbled leaf.  He then started his speech. He said he didn't care why we were fighting and he probably didn't want to know. He asked me if I knew what the word "tenacity" meant, I professed that I didn't. He said "think of a bulldog hanging on a piece of meat, that bulldog wont let go. Its tenacious." He explained to me that I need to get off my ass and go and make things right with his son, that his son wants someone tenacious....someone that wouldn't put up with his shit. He then listened to me say my "wells and buts" and just told me that every man is not as they should be...that it was up to me to "cultivate" him into what he needs to be. When we were done he walked over to me...kissed me on my head, hugged my shoulders and said "I love you" for the very first time...and then told me to go get dressed and go talk to his son. I did...and today I have three absolutely awesome kids and a rock solid marriage that I owe to that man.

The creativity of this man also astounds me...I hear stories from Chris about how his dad fixed a certian thing or made this work by using this random so and so part....David is a real life MacGyver! Some of my favorites are from what I was told, in one of his old houses he used a lawn mower blade tied to a string and somehow used it as a door lock. You walk in his garage and its full of random little fixes. I took this picture the other day....its a old rake screwed to the wall to hold his tools. His mother, Grandma Charlotte, visited with me on the phone the other day and stated how his teachers used to tell her that they thought he would be a inventor. Which was pretty cool in my eyes because that same thing was told to me by Mr. Philip Butler about Chris.

Once a reporter from the New York Times came to Reydon, Ok to do a story on the end of small towns. David happened to be in the same cafe as this man and struck up a conversation with him. The man ended up doing a story about the Bartons and even came over to one of our Sunday dinners to take notes and pictures. The story was published on the FRONT page of NYC times. One of my favorite things this man put into print about my father in law is this. "David Barton is a wiry man with thinning hair and a laugh that bursts like thunder clap". How about that David Barton laugh folks....its so amazing and that description couldn't be better.

David and his bride Verla have the most amazing kind of love. Its not the obvious make you sick to your stomach smooshy love....its the strong unspoken kind. By watching these two people I learned how to love my spouse. They know each other inside and out....they know what the other will do or how the other will react before it happens. She babys him and he takes care of her.  He gets cranky when he doesnt get to see her enough cause she works long hours being a nurse....he craves her even now after years of marriage. I now have a example of how I want my own marriage to be.

He is an astonishing papa....his grand kids are some of the luckiest. He loves them endlessly. Trent, his oldest grandson (my son) has gotten the advantage to learn the most from him...and has created a special corner in his heart for his PaPa. He thinks that David can do anything possible. David has always been active in keeping and helping with his grand babies...teaching them every chance he gets or telling them stories of "when he was a boy". Helping us (the parents) mold our children into beautiful, respecting youth.  They love going to PaPa Davids/Grandma Verlas because there is always something to do or something to learn. 

I am beyond sad that my once strong bodied father in law is treading thru the dark waters of cancer. Going thru so much pain. I love my father in law like he is my own dad. He has taught me more then I have ever realized. I sorta wish he would have written all his knowledge down in a book for people to reference years from now.  I will end with this...David Barton, you once told me that the way you know you are keeping straight in life is thru Verla, Sissy and me....that if you look good thru our eyes then you know you are doing right......well in turn, I constantly seek your approval for the very same reason. I love you more than I can grasp and thank my lucky stars I had "intentions" with your son. 

I never had a policy; I have just tried to do my very best each and every day.  ~Abraham Lincoln