I just felt the need to share this..
I’ve learned-that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them
I’ve learned-that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
I’ve learned-that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned-that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned-that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned-that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
I’ve learned-that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned-that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
I’ve learned-that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I’ve learned-that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I’ve learned-that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them
.
I’ve learned-that you can keep going long after you can’t.
I’ve learned-that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I’ve learned-that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned-that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I’ve learned-that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned-that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I’ve learned-that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned-that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned-that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned-that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned-that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned-that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned-that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I’ve learned-that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.
I’ve learned-that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned-that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned-that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned-that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
I’ve learned-that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned-that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned-that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I’ve learned-that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned-that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I’ve learned-that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned-that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I’ve learned-that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned-that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned-that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Meet Joe Black moment..
April 2010
Tonight me and my doodle (abbie) was snuggled up in my bed watching "Meet Joe Black" a movie that I love and that makes me cry everytime I watch it. She stayed quite and attentive throughout the movie. Near the end William Parrish (played by Anthony Hopkins) had come to terms with knowing that he was going to die on that night (during his birthday celebration). He stood on the stage in front of his family and friends and gave his birthday speech. which went like this......
I thought I was going to sneak away tonight. What a glorious night. Every face I see is a memory. It may not be a perfectly perfect memory. Sometimes we had our ups and downs. But we're all together, and you're mine for a night. And I'm going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish: that you would have a life as lucky as mine, where you can wake up one morning and say, "I don't want anything more." Sixty-five years. Don't they go by in a blink?
I was of course tearing up and looked over at abbie and I was shocked that she was also wet eyed....Anthony Hopkins continued on and was hugging his daughters and "saying goodbye"....Abbie said "mommy?" "Do you think that he will have enough birthday cake for all those people?" Now I know yall probley wont find this as funny as I did cause it was one of those had to be in the moment kind of things. I just LAUGHED and LAUGHED and said..."well abbie I hope they do cause that is a awful big cake!" she just replied "I dont know mom...there is an awful lot of people there!"
I thought I was going to sneak away tonight. What a glorious night. Every face I see is a memory. It may not be a perfectly perfect memory. Sometimes we had our ups and downs. But we're all together, and you're mine for a night. And I'm going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish: that you would have a life as lucky as mine, where you can wake up one morning and say, "I don't want anything more." Sixty-five years. Don't they go by in a blink?
I was of course tearing up and looked over at abbie and I was shocked that she was also wet eyed....Anthony Hopkins continued on and was hugging his daughters and "saying goodbye"....Abbie said "mommy?" "Do you think that he will have enough birthday cake for all those people?" Now I know yall probley wont find this as funny as I did cause it was one of those had to be in the moment kind of things. I just LAUGHED and LAUGHED and said..."well abbie I hope they do cause that is a awful big cake!" she just replied "I dont know mom...there is an awful lot of people there!"
"There are numerous ways inflect death on yourself and I doubt if you feel much pain. The pain is to the ones left behind."
March 15 2010
Today means that it has been two years since I found him. In those two years it has been filled with alot of ups and downs. As a family we have come a long way, some of us more than others but we continue to be there to support one another. Its crazy how death changes people. How it changes family. I just try to stick with the memories and things that make me smile.
My brothers laugh. For those of us lucky to remember that sound then it should put a smile upon your face. There was no resisting it. Its was sorta like playing the "yawn game" ....you know when you try to make someone yawn by yawning yourself...anyway his laugh was contagious just like that. I secretly think mom would rent those stupid types of comedy movies that my brother loved just to hear him laugh outragously. Once he would start then mom would start....snorts...tears...and the occasional fart :p. Ryans laugh keeps me smiling, even on days like this where the memories are so scary. Its my arsonal against the tough times.
His car. The best form of therpy around. I feel connected to him as I sit in it and turn up the bass, it makes me feel happy. It was one of his loves/pasttimes. Pouring money into sound systems. I am thankful that I still have access to one of his loves.
His eyes...bluer than blue. Sometimes a sea of trouble, sometimes a sea of happiness. Always beautiful and blue.
We love you Ryan Christopher Proctor. You will never be forgotten. <3
Suicide is a terrible thing happening in the world. Even as I type this I think that someone, somewhere is taking their own life. It breaks my heart to think of. Nearly 30,000 people succumb to suicide every year. There is such a lack of understanding about suicide and depression, just ask Tom Cruise. Depression is normally the catalist for suicide. For the people that have never had to deal with any type of depression, for those that are "strong" it is way hard for them to understand how someone can sink to the depths of death being the easy way out. Some people think suicide attempts are a way to gain sympathy or attention. I was once one of those people that thought that. In reality maybe the sympathy or attention is exactly what someone needs to aid them on the road to recovery. I encourage everyone who has a opinoin to throw around about suicide to be educated about it. Even in our small community a large portion has been affevted by suicide. There is no denying its impact. Know the warning signs. Know what you can do. If you are one that has thought of ending your life know that you are NOT alone and that there are people who do care and want to help.
Warning Signs of Suicide
•Ideation (thinking, talking or wishing about suicide)
•Substance use or abuse (increased use or change in substance)
•Puposelessness (no sense of purpose or belonging)
•Anger
•Trapped (feeling like there is no way out)
•Hopelessness (there is nothing to live for, no hope or optimism)
•Withdrawal (from family, friends, work, school, activities, hobbies)
•Anxiety (restlessness, irritability, agitation)
•Recklessness (high risk-taking behavior)
•Mood disturbance (dramatic changes in mood)
Additional Warning Signs of Suicide
•Talking about suicide.
•Looking for ways to die (internet searches for how to commit suicide, looking for guns, pills, etc.)
•Statements about hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness.
•Preoccupation with death.
•Suddenly happier, calmer.
•Loss of interest in things one cares about.
•Visiting or calling people one cares about.
•Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
•Giving things away, such as prized possessions.
A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or mental health professional.
In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK
Today means that it has been two years since I found him. In those two years it has been filled with alot of ups and downs. As a family we have come a long way, some of us more than others but we continue to be there to support one another. Its crazy how death changes people. How it changes family. I just try to stick with the memories and things that make me smile.
My brothers laugh. For those of us lucky to remember that sound then it should put a smile upon your face. There was no resisting it. Its was sorta like playing the "yawn game" ....you know when you try to make someone yawn by yawning yourself...anyway his laugh was contagious just like that. I secretly think mom would rent those stupid types of comedy movies that my brother loved just to hear him laugh outragously. Once he would start then mom would start....snorts...tears...and the occasional fart :p. Ryans laugh keeps me smiling, even on days like this where the memories are so scary. Its my arsonal against the tough times.
His car. The best form of therpy around. I feel connected to him as I sit in it and turn up the bass, it makes me feel happy. It was one of his loves/pasttimes. Pouring money into sound systems. I am thankful that I still have access to one of his loves.
His eyes...bluer than blue. Sometimes a sea of trouble, sometimes a sea of happiness. Always beautiful and blue.
We love you Ryan Christopher Proctor. You will never be forgotten. <3
Suicide is a terrible thing happening in the world. Even as I type this I think that someone, somewhere is taking their own life. It breaks my heart to think of. Nearly 30,000 people succumb to suicide every year. There is such a lack of understanding about suicide and depression, just ask Tom Cruise. Depression is normally the catalist for suicide. For the people that have never had to deal with any type of depression, for those that are "strong" it is way hard for them to understand how someone can sink to the depths of death being the easy way out. Some people think suicide attempts are a way to gain sympathy or attention. I was once one of those people that thought that. In reality maybe the sympathy or attention is exactly what someone needs to aid them on the road to recovery. I encourage everyone who has a opinoin to throw around about suicide to be educated about it. Even in our small community a large portion has been affevted by suicide. There is no denying its impact. Know the warning signs. Know what you can do. If you are one that has thought of ending your life know that you are NOT alone and that there are people who do care and want to help.
Warning Signs of Suicide
•Ideation (thinking, talking or wishing about suicide)
•Substance use or abuse (increased use or change in substance)
•Puposelessness (no sense of purpose or belonging)
•Anger
•Trapped (feeling like there is no way out)
•Hopelessness (there is nothing to live for, no hope or optimism)
•Withdrawal (from family, friends, work, school, activities, hobbies)
•Anxiety (restlessness, irritability, agitation)
•Recklessness (high risk-taking behavior)
•Mood disturbance (dramatic changes in mood)
Additional Warning Signs of Suicide
•Talking about suicide.
•Looking for ways to die (internet searches for how to commit suicide, looking for guns, pills, etc.)
•Statements about hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness.
•Preoccupation with death.
•Suddenly happier, calmer.
•Loss of interest in things one cares about.
•Visiting or calling people one cares about.
•Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
•Giving things away, such as prized possessions.
A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or mental health professional.
In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK
Gravel mountians and mud puddles
aug 2008
Last week on Monday, it was one of those perfect reflective rainy days. I was driving home from work, enjoying the mist that was upon my windshield. The kids were of couse in tow, being silent amazingly enough, perhaps caught up in the same magical moment I was. I drove past a large pile of gravel and instantly was sucked into a fond memory, (yes folks gravel makes me smile..lol).
I was about the age when you start to despise your mom, she turns to super cool mom to a burden overnight. I think I was around 13ish...Me and mom were making our way up the red dirt roads to where we called home after a long day of school and work. I remember there was no conversation, we both sat in slience. We passed one of the huge rock piles that the county or state leaves behind to fix the roads with and suddenly she slams on the breaks, puts it in reverse and backs up to the pile. The time I started in with the questions "what are you doing?" she looks at me with a playful look and says "race ya"...We both bolt out of our doors and proceed to race to the summit of our gravel mountian. We ran up and down that thing and laughed till we were exausted. My mom taught me something that was very valuable that day, wether i knew of the lesson then or not. She taught me to slow down. She taught me that its the little things that stick with you.
I was grasped out of my little memory when my oldest put her hand on mine and squeezed it. She told me with her head cocked sideways and a loving look on her face "momma, I love it when your eyes smile like that". I had to blink away my tears, It baffled me how she was that preceptive on things. We didnt say much on the rest of our way through the red dirt hills. When we got home, I jumped out, started screaming, ran for the biggest puddle I could find and jumped right in the middle of it. Me and the kids spashed, got muddy, but most importantly, laughed till we were exausted.
Last week on Monday, it was one of those perfect reflective rainy days. I was driving home from work, enjoying the mist that was upon my windshield. The kids were of couse in tow, being silent amazingly enough, perhaps caught up in the same magical moment I was. I drove past a large pile of gravel and instantly was sucked into a fond memory, (yes folks gravel makes me smile..lol).
I was about the age when you start to despise your mom, she turns to super cool mom to a burden overnight. I think I was around 13ish...Me and mom were making our way up the red dirt roads to where we called home after a long day of school and work. I remember there was no conversation, we both sat in slience. We passed one of the huge rock piles that the county or state leaves behind to fix the roads with and suddenly she slams on the breaks, puts it in reverse and backs up to the pile. The time I started in with the questions "what are you doing?" she looks at me with a playful look and says "race ya"...We both bolt out of our doors and proceed to race to the summit of our gravel mountian. We ran up and down that thing and laughed till we were exausted. My mom taught me something that was very valuable that day, wether i knew of the lesson then or not. She taught me to slow down. She taught me that its the little things that stick with you.
I was grasped out of my little memory when my oldest put her hand on mine and squeezed it. She told me with her head cocked sideways and a loving look on her face "momma, I love it when your eyes smile like that". I had to blink away my tears, It baffled me how she was that preceptive on things. We didnt say much on the rest of our way through the red dirt hills. When we got home, I jumped out, started screaming, ran for the biggest puddle I could find and jumped right in the middle of it. Me and the kids spashed, got muddy, but most importantly, laughed till we were exausted.
From the mouths of babes
I plan on making this a lil ongoing blog....a spot where i can put all the funny or sweet things my kids say on a day to day basis. If you happen to know of something they said that i am not remembering, then by all means add to it :)
Trent: "THERES A HOLE IN IT!" (upon discovering his rectum)
Abbie: "Laycee, Is this old school?" (asked to laycee when we were sitting in the ferry line, rockin out to 'we will rock you')
Maddie: "mommy why cant the world be perfect" (driving to elk city....she was only 3)
Trent: "paitence is NOT my virtue.....COOLNESS is my virtue" ( sitting in line for the ferry, as laycee told him that paitence was a virtue)
Abbie: "No mom you look like a mexican" (as i tried on a pair of j-lo sunglasses)
Maddie: "Mom I love it when your eyes smile like that" (driving home on a rainy day while i was deep in thought)
Trent: "THERES A HOLE IN IT!" (upon discovering his rectum)
Abbie: "Laycee, Is this old school?" (asked to laycee when we were sitting in the ferry line, rockin out to 'we will rock you')
Maddie: "mommy why cant the world be perfect" (driving to elk city....she was only 3)
Trent: "paitence is NOT my virtue.....COOLNESS is my virtue" ( sitting in line for the ferry, as laycee told him that paitence was a virtue)
Abbie: "No mom you look like a mexican" (as i tried on a pair of j-lo sunglasses)
Maddie: "Mom I love it when your eyes smile like that" (driving home on a rainy day while i was deep in thought)
Pride
one that MANY of you have already read
april 2008
I can remember the first time I was proud of my brother, I actually even remember where I was sitting, what he was wearing, the smells even come to mind. He was standing on stage in a grey jacket holding a microphone in the Susan Powell auditorium. I was bused over with the rest of my class to watch him and his peers preform. The seats were packed full of noisey, busy kids. My brother got the lead role in the school play, I cant recall what the name of the play was or really what grade he was in. I am assuming he was in the 5th or 6th grade. I dont remember the lead girls name just her face. I remember he stood up there reciting his lines like a pro, then the music cued. Tears came to my eyes, goose bumps covered my arms, my brother sang like an angel. All the brotherly sister dislike went swiftly. I was so nervous for him, not wanting him to mess up, overwhelmed and proud. The only problem is I never realized that the emotion I was feeling at that point in time was pride. I discovered this emotion and its meaning when I had my babies and they did something spectacular like smile for the first time. I would give anything to find a copy of that certin play.
Ryan had alot of trials in his life. He battled alcohol addiction the majority of his life, well I guess he didnt battle with it much at first
. His senior year in high school he moved out of our family home and got a place of his own. I remember that year very clearly, we had to go to his house every morning and get him up for school. I cannot explain how much of a task this was. He had band first hour and we teamed up with Mr. Christy to acheive the goal of getting Ryan to graduate. We did acheive it, I could see the relief in my moms face the day he walked across the stage to receive his diploma.
He was in and out of almost every family members homes, working various oilfeild jobs after graduation. He was just drifting, not knowing what he wanted to do or where to be. He was not my favorite person at this stage in our lives. I remember when it was my turn, he came and lived with me in Wheeler. I was as big pregnant as ever, we had just bought our first house (me and maddies dad). Ryan came to us needing somewhere to stay, I of course being a person that fully beleives in family welcomed him. I established him a job at cross car center with maddies dad. He did well for awhile, then after he met a few people in town he went back to his old habits. One night he came home plastered, I woke around 2am with the sounds of hoots and hollers. My door was wide open, my ice chest spilled over in the front yard, my brother in the living room floor with his pants around his knees (he didnt make it far out of the bathroom). I got me a glass of water and poured it on him woke him up and he went to bed. Sometime between the time I got him in bed and 4am I guess he decided he was hungry. I woke "again" to the smell of something burning. I go to investigate and find some fried chicken in the oven turning a nice shade of black. Me with my pregnant hormones, I grabbed the pan of chicken, walked into his room, and threw it on top of him. For anyone that cares that is a wonderful way to get a drunk up...lol.
What stands greatest in my mind and overshadows all the drunk stories is one of his greatest acheivements. His soberity, I have never been so proud of Ryan and began to mend our jagged relationship. I actually found myself enjoying being around him. I cannot express how PROUD I am/was of him for this accomplishment. He finally "got" it, after many dui's or apc's he figured it out. He realized that he wasnt a good person when he drank, and he beat that demon, even though he had to go to battle with it every waking hour.
When I found my brother one of the first questions I was asking the cops was, "is there alcohol?" "was he drunk?". For me that would have given me an excuse, something to blame besides my brother. He wasnt drunk or drinking so I was left without a "reason". When I was on my way back home I called Roger Mills Sheriffs office to see if there could be anyway to run his name to see if he could possibly be in jail anywhere. I explained the situation and gave a brief history of Ryans past to the dispatcher, she said there was not anyway to tell if he was jailed anywhere besides in roger mills county. She said that I should go to his house with a cop, advice I should have taken, but I didnt. I didnt take that advice out of respect for my brother, for the "just in case" he fell off the wagon the cops wouldnt have to know. Everything in my body told me not to go into that house, my hands were shaking my heart was beating. I looked up at his house number knowing I would need it later, grabbed my cell phone and continued on my duty. I NEVER thought I would find what I found, it shook my world and made all my strength leave my body. I was am sometimes still am sooo mad at him, I cussed him the second I found him. I am a strong person, sucide has never been a thought in my mind, I could not imagine how a person could do something so selfish. I am also a thoughtful person and do not judge. I cannot put myself in his place and know what he was dealing with, although I wish I could have known, I wish I could have taken some of his burden.
I went to my first counceling session about a week ago. She stated that she beleives my brother died of a broken heart, I find that to be true. He loved a woman so much and wasnt getting in return and it broke his heart. I am full of wishes, I wish he could have left us a note, mabey then he would have stopped to think about everyone else. I wish he would have looked on the entertainment center at the pictures of me and my kids, instead of the woman. I wish I would have went to town on the Tuesday before to have dinner with him. All of these wishes are irrelavent, when I came home that Saturday, my father in law was standing in my yard with tears coming out of the bottom of his glasses. We talked, and he simply said, "Janet, he was done talking." and there is where the truth lies, my brother gave up, he was done. He lost the battle. Now we are left with this unexplained void, I am haunted by his memory, and the memories that I accuired that day. I miss him with every breath and find myself consumed with trying to find the answers of "why". Mabey in time the answers will come, mabey they wont. I know my heart will never be the same.
FYI....for those of you who read my blogs, I am writing this as a form of therapy, some of my memories I feel like I need to write down. I am clinging to the memories because I will never get the chance to make any new ones with him.
april 2008
I can remember the first time I was proud of my brother, I actually even remember where I was sitting, what he was wearing, the smells even come to mind. He was standing on stage in a grey jacket holding a microphone in the Susan Powell auditorium. I was bused over with the rest of my class to watch him and his peers preform. The seats were packed full of noisey, busy kids. My brother got the lead role in the school play, I cant recall what the name of the play was or really what grade he was in. I am assuming he was in the 5th or 6th grade. I dont remember the lead girls name just her face. I remember he stood up there reciting his lines like a pro, then the music cued. Tears came to my eyes, goose bumps covered my arms, my brother sang like an angel. All the brotherly sister dislike went swiftly. I was so nervous for him, not wanting him to mess up, overwhelmed and proud. The only problem is I never realized that the emotion I was feeling at that point in time was pride. I discovered this emotion and its meaning when I had my babies and they did something spectacular like smile for the first time. I would give anything to find a copy of that certin play.
Ryan had alot of trials in his life. He battled alcohol addiction the majority of his life, well I guess he didnt battle with it much at first
. His senior year in high school he moved out of our family home and got a place of his own. I remember that year very clearly, we had to go to his house every morning and get him up for school. I cannot explain how much of a task this was. He had band first hour and we teamed up with Mr. Christy to acheive the goal of getting Ryan to graduate. We did acheive it, I could see the relief in my moms face the day he walked across the stage to receive his diploma. He was in and out of almost every family members homes, working various oilfeild jobs after graduation. He was just drifting, not knowing what he wanted to do or where to be. He was not my favorite person at this stage in our lives. I remember when it was my turn, he came and lived with me in Wheeler. I was as big pregnant as ever, we had just bought our first house (me and maddies dad). Ryan came to us needing somewhere to stay, I of course being a person that fully beleives in family welcomed him. I established him a job at cross car center with maddies dad. He did well for awhile, then after he met a few people in town he went back to his old habits. One night he came home plastered, I woke around 2am with the sounds of hoots and hollers. My door was wide open, my ice chest spilled over in the front yard, my brother in the living room floor with his pants around his knees (he didnt make it far out of the bathroom). I got me a glass of water and poured it on him woke him up and he went to bed. Sometime between the time I got him in bed and 4am I guess he decided he was hungry. I woke "again" to the smell of something burning. I go to investigate and find some fried chicken in the oven turning a nice shade of black. Me with my pregnant hormones, I grabbed the pan of chicken, walked into his room, and threw it on top of him. For anyone that cares that is a wonderful way to get a drunk up...lol.
What stands greatest in my mind and overshadows all the drunk stories is one of his greatest acheivements. His soberity, I have never been so proud of Ryan and began to mend our jagged relationship. I actually found myself enjoying being around him. I cannot express how PROUD I am/was of him for this accomplishment. He finally "got" it, after many dui's or apc's he figured it out. He realized that he wasnt a good person when he drank, and he beat that demon, even though he had to go to battle with it every waking hour.
When I found my brother one of the first questions I was asking the cops was, "is there alcohol?" "was he drunk?". For me that would have given me an excuse, something to blame besides my brother. He wasnt drunk or drinking so I was left without a "reason". When I was on my way back home I called Roger Mills Sheriffs office to see if there could be anyway to run his name to see if he could possibly be in jail anywhere. I explained the situation and gave a brief history of Ryans past to the dispatcher, she said there was not anyway to tell if he was jailed anywhere besides in roger mills county. She said that I should go to his house with a cop, advice I should have taken, but I didnt. I didnt take that advice out of respect for my brother, for the "just in case" he fell off the wagon the cops wouldnt have to know. Everything in my body told me not to go into that house, my hands were shaking my heart was beating. I looked up at his house number knowing I would need it later, grabbed my cell phone and continued on my duty. I NEVER thought I would find what I found, it shook my world and made all my strength leave my body. I was am sometimes still am sooo mad at him, I cussed him the second I found him. I am a strong person, sucide has never been a thought in my mind, I could not imagine how a person could do something so selfish. I am also a thoughtful person and do not judge. I cannot put myself in his place and know what he was dealing with, although I wish I could have known, I wish I could have taken some of his burden.
I went to my first counceling session about a week ago. She stated that she beleives my brother died of a broken heart, I find that to be true. He loved a woman so much and wasnt getting in return and it broke his heart. I am full of wishes, I wish he could have left us a note, mabey then he would have stopped to think about everyone else. I wish he would have looked on the entertainment center at the pictures of me and my kids, instead of the woman. I wish I would have went to town on the Tuesday before to have dinner with him. All of these wishes are irrelavent, when I came home that Saturday, my father in law was standing in my yard with tears coming out of the bottom of his glasses. We talked, and he simply said, "Janet, he was done talking." and there is where the truth lies, my brother gave up, he was done. He lost the battle. Now we are left with this unexplained void, I am haunted by his memory, and the memories that I accuired that day. I miss him with every breath and find myself consumed with trying to find the answers of "why". Mabey in time the answers will come, mabey they wont. I know my heart will never be the same.
FYI....for those of you who read my blogs, I am writing this as a form of therapy, some of my memories I feel like I need to write down. I am clinging to the memories because I will never get the chance to make any new ones with him.
Where does water come from
another transfer/old blog from myspace
july 2007
Here lately I have taken on a new quest in my life. My quest is to get my kids to drink more water. When I say "more" I mean more than what they get when they brush there teeth. They will fight me tooth and nail when it comes to this...they just "hate it".
Today I was doing my daily battle in the kitchen while serving lunch, telling them that they had to drink at least one glass of water and then they could have koolaid. I was busy ignoring there refusels and pleas when I felt a tap on my arm. Trent was standing there with a serious look upon his face. I simply asked him what he needed...(haha)..With all the seriousness and poise of a politician Trent replied. "Mom, I am NOT going to drink water. It is making us waste our food, and that is not good." I thought to myself...this is going to be interesting....so I ask him how in the world is drinking water making us waste our food?....his reply was.
"Mom...where does water come from?...It comes from the lakes...and what lives in the lakes.....FISH...FISH do momma...and what are fish??? FOOD!!! So if we keep on drinking all of there water then they will have no where to live so we are wasting food!!" I thought sheese this guy put some thought into this...but of course he wasnt done with his speech..."Trees mom...sometimes apples grow on trees...and water makes them live...so if we have to drink water then the trees will die!!! and no more apples!!"
After a little giggling on my part I gave in and let them have koolaid...I figured if he felt that strongly about it and put that much thought into it I would let him have his koolaid...(just this once)
july 2007
Here lately I have taken on a new quest in my life. My quest is to get my kids to drink more water. When I say "more" I mean more than what they get when they brush there teeth. They will fight me tooth and nail when it comes to this...they just "hate it".
Today I was doing my daily battle in the kitchen while serving lunch, telling them that they had to drink at least one glass of water and then they could have koolaid. I was busy ignoring there refusels and pleas when I felt a tap on my arm. Trent was standing there with a serious look upon his face. I simply asked him what he needed...(haha)..With all the seriousness and poise of a politician Trent replied. "Mom, I am NOT going to drink water. It is making us waste our food, and that is not good." I thought to myself...this is going to be interesting....so I ask him how in the world is drinking water making us waste our food?....his reply was.
"Mom...where does water come from?...It comes from the lakes...and what lives in the lakes.....FISH...FISH do momma...and what are fish??? FOOD!!! So if we keep on drinking all of there water then they will have no where to live so we are wasting food!!" I thought sheese this guy put some thought into this...but of course he wasnt done with his speech..."Trees mom...sometimes apples grow on trees...and water makes them live...so if we have to drink water then the trees will die!!! and no more apples!!"
After a little giggling on my part I gave in and let them have koolaid...I figured if he felt that strongly about it and put that much thought into it I would let him have his koolaid...(just this once)
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