March 15 2010
Today means that it has been two years since I found him. In those two years it has been filled with alot of ups and downs. As a family we have come a long way, some of us more than others but we continue to be there to support one another. Its crazy how death changes people. How it changes family. I just try to stick with the memories and things that make me smile.
My brothers laugh. For those of us lucky to remember that sound then it should put a smile upon your face. There was no resisting it. Its was sorta like playing the "yawn game" ....you know when you try to make someone yawn by yawning yourself...anyway his laugh was contagious just like that. I secretly think mom would rent those stupid types of comedy movies that my brother loved just to hear him laugh outragously. Once he would start then mom would start....snorts...tears...and the occasional fart :p. Ryans laugh keeps me smiling, even on days like this where the memories are so scary. Its my arsonal against the tough times.
His car. The best form of therpy around. I feel connected to him as I sit in it and turn up the bass, it makes me feel happy. It was one of his loves/pasttimes. Pouring money into sound systems. I am thankful that I still have access to one of his loves.
His eyes...bluer than blue. Sometimes a sea of trouble, sometimes a sea of happiness. Always beautiful and blue.
We love you Ryan Christopher Proctor. You will never be forgotten. <3
Suicide is a terrible thing happening in the world. Even as I type this I think that someone, somewhere is taking their own life. It breaks my heart to think of. Nearly 30,000 people succumb to suicide every year. There is such a lack of understanding about suicide and depression, just ask Tom Cruise. Depression is normally the catalist for suicide. For the people that have never had to deal with any type of depression, for those that are "strong" it is way hard for them to understand how someone can sink to the depths of death being the easy way out. Some people think suicide attempts are a way to gain sympathy or attention. I was once one of those people that thought that. In reality maybe the sympathy or attention is exactly what someone needs to aid them on the road to recovery. I encourage everyone who has a opinoin to throw around about suicide to be educated about it. Even in our small community a large portion has been affevted by suicide. There is no denying its impact. Know the warning signs. Know what you can do. If you are one that has thought of ending your life know that you are NOT alone and that there are people who do care and want to help.
Warning Signs of Suicide
•Ideation (thinking, talking or wishing about suicide)
•Substance use or abuse (increased use or change in substance)
•Puposelessness (no sense of purpose or belonging)
•Anger
•Trapped (feeling like there is no way out)
•Hopelessness (there is nothing to live for, no hope or optimism)
•Withdrawal (from family, friends, work, school, activities, hobbies)
•Anxiety (restlessness, irritability, agitation)
•Recklessness (high risk-taking behavior)
•Mood disturbance (dramatic changes in mood)
Additional Warning Signs of Suicide
•Talking about suicide.
•Looking for ways to die (internet searches for how to commit suicide, looking for guns, pills, etc.)
•Statements about hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness.
•Preoccupation with death.
•Suddenly happier, calmer.
•Loss of interest in things one cares about.
•Visiting or calling people one cares about.
•Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
•Giving things away, such as prized possessions.
A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or mental health professional.
In an emergency, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK
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